Rekindle the Romance

By Heather Holliday | February 22, 2005

Valentine's Day is a day to give chocolate, flowers and a kiss. For some, it's also a good time to reflect on the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship. About a dozen staff members gathered for a lunch meeting on Feb. 14 to do just that.

"I can think of nothing else that we are expected to be so good at with so little training," said John Smith, a counselor with the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program. While the hour-long session didn't offer ample time to be fully coached, Smith did offer some suggestions on how to rekindle the spark.

One key to revitalizing a relationship is to let go of unrealistic myths, he said. For one, there is no such thing as a soul mate. Also, people are not trainable. "Instead of training, we have to engage with each other to work on something better," he said.

Another myth to debunk is that romance was spontaneous and easy in the first months of the relationship, said Smith. "It was all preparation," he said, reminding that both people in the couple put on their best face and brought out their best side.

Still, Smith had tips for how to remember the magic of the first few months. For one, prepare thoroughly for a night out - best smell, best outfit - and put the effort into winning your partner's affection. Also, a new relationship breaks people free of daily monotony; so, now that the relationship is part of the daily grind, do something fun and different.

Another tip: allow your partner to make mistakes, and let go of the critical voice to focus on the good. Plus, revitalize the other parts of your life. In the beginning, you probably had a full life of friends, activities and challenges. If you have let those go, bring them back and give the relationship a break once in awhile.

A final word of advice from Smith. "You have to accept the whole picture of the thing we call romance," he said. "There is no perfect partner. True intimacy is seeing your partner in all blazing glory [with both the good and the bad] and accepting your partner anyway."